hQ t trAval wiH a sAman

bF /umbXtO /ekO

(bIiN H fxst Rtikal in /ekO's kalekSan v hVmDas rFtiNz,
"hQ t trAval wiH a sAman n uHD esEz")

akPdiN t H nVzpEpDz, HX R tM mEn problamz bisetiN H modDn wxld: H invEZan v H kampVtD, n H alRmiN ikspAnSan v H /Txd /wxld. H nVzpEpDz R rFt, n F nO it.

mF rIsant JxnI woz brIf: won dE in /stokhOm n TrI in /lundan. in /stokhOm, tEkiN advAntiJ v a frI QD, F bYt a smOkt sAman, an inPmas wun, dxt cIp. it woz kXfalI pAkiJd in plAstik, but F woz tOld HAt, if F woz trAvaliN, F wUd bI wel advFzd t kIp it rifriJDEtid. hA. Just trF.

hApilI, in /lundan, mF publiSD mEd mI a rezDvESan in a diluks hOtel; a rMm ikwipt wiH minIbR. but on arFviN At H hOtel, F hAd H impreSan F woz entDiN a foran ligESan in /pIkiN dVDiN H /boksD ribelWn: hOl fAmiliz kAmpiN Qt in H lobI, trAvalDz rApt in blAnkits slIpiN amid HX lugiJ. F kwescand stAf, Yl v Hem /indWnz iksept fP a fV /malEanz, n F woz tOld HAt Just H prIvWs dE, in His grAnd hOtel, a kampVtDFzd sistam hAd bIn instYld n, bifP Yl H kinks kUd bI iliminEtid, hAd brOkan dQn fP tM QDz. HX woz nO wE v teliN wic rMmz wx okjapFd n wic wx frI. F wUd hAv t wEt.

tawPdz IvniN H sistam woz bAk up, n F mAniJd t get intM mF rMm. wurid abQt mF sAman, F rimMvd it from H sMtkEs n lUkt fP H minIbR.

Az a rMl, in nPmal hOtelz, H minIbR iz a smYl rifriJDEtD kantEniN tM bIDz, sum minicD botalz v hRd likD, a fV kAnz v frMt JMs, n tM pAkits v pInuts. in mF hOtel, H rifriJDEtD woz fAmilI sFz n kantEnd fiftI botalz v wiskI, Jin, /drAmbVI, /kPvwuziE, Et lRJ /periE, tM /vItelwyz, n tM /eviAn, TrI hyf-botalz v SAmpEn, vXWs kAnz v /ginis, pEl El, /duc bC, n /Jxman bC, botalz v wFn bOT /frenc n /itAlWn, n bisFdz pInuts, YlsO koktEl krAkDz, Almandz, cokalats, n /Alka-/seltsD. HX woz nO rMm fP H sAman. F pUld Qt tM rMmI drPz v H dresD n emptid H kontents v H bR intM Hem, Hen rifriJDEtid H sAman, n TYt nO mP abQt it. H nekst dE, wen F kEm bAk intM H rMm At fP in H yftDnMn, H sAman woz on H desk, n H bR woz agEn krAmd YlmOst solid wiH gPmE produkts. F Opand H drPz, OnlI t diskuvD HAt evrITiN F hAd hidan HX H dE bifP woz stil in plEs. F kYld H desk n tOld H klRk t infPm H cEmbDmEdz HAt if HE fQnd H bR emptI it wozn't bikoz F hAd kansVmd Yl its kontents, but bikoz v H sAman. hI riplFd HAt Yl suc rikwests hAd t bI entDd in H sentral kampVtD, but -- a fxHD komplikESan -- bikoz mOst v H styf spOk nO /iNgliS, vxbal instrukSanz wx not akseptid. evrITiN hAd t bI trAnzlEtid intM /bEsik. mInwFl, F pUld Qt anuHD tM drPz n fild Hem wiH H nV kontents v H bR, wX F riplEst mF sAman.

H nekst dE At 4 pI-em, H sAman woz bAk on H desk, n it woz YlredI emanEtiN a suspekt OdD. H bR woz krAmd wiH botalz lRJ n smYl, n H fP drPz v H dresD suJestid H bAk rMm v a spIkIzI At H hFt v /prOhibiSan. F kYld H desk agEn n woz tOld HAt HE wx hAviN mP trubal wiH H kampVtD. F rAN H bel fP rMm sxvis n trFd t iksplEn mF sitVESan t a VT wiH a pOnI tEl; hI kUd spIk nuTiN but a dFalekt HAt, Az an AnTrapolaJist kolIg iksplEnd lEtD, hAd bIn kurant in /kafCistyn at abQt H tFm /AligzyndD H /grEt woz wMiN /roksyna.

H nekst mPniN F went dQn t sFn H bil. it woz Astranomikal. it indikEtid HAt in tM n a hyf dEz F hAd kansVmd sevDal hektOlItDz v /vxv /klIkO, ten lItDz v vXWs wiskiz, inklMdiN sum verI rX siNgal molts, Et lItDz v Jin, twentI-fFv lItDz v minDal wYtD (bOT /periE n /eviAn, plus sum botalz v /sAn /pelegrInO), inuf frMt JMs t pratekt from skxvI Yl H cildran in /Vnisef's kX, an inuf ylmandz, wYlnuts, n pInuts t indVs vomitiN in /doktD /kE /skRpeta. F trFd t iksplEn, but H klRk, wiH a bItal-blAkand smFl, aSPd mI HAt His woz wot H kampVtD sed. F yskt fP a lqD, n HE brYt mI an AvakydO.

nQ mF publiSD iz fjPWs n TiNks F'm a kronik frIlOdD. H sAman iz inedibal. mF cildran insist F kut dQn on mF driNkiN.

[ trAnskrFbd bF /lFnal /fiS
ghoti@shavian.f9.co.uk ]